Twenty-Five Ways to tell if you’re a liberal

By Vincent J. Curtis                              updated 25 August 98

One of my most popular articles appeared in the Hamilton Spectator in September, 1998.  Given the recent controversy in the Canadian election concerning the legalization of marijuana, I thought it appropriate to post this old article, since it is still timely.  Stephen Harper, the Conservative, argued against legalization on the grounds that we have spent two generations trying to stamp out smoking of cigarettes, and what marijuana does is far worse.  Liberal leader Justin Trudeau says that Harper doesn't know what he is talking about. 

1.         You know you are a liberal when you think that smoking cigarettes should be banned, but smoking marijuana should be legalized.

2.         You know you are a liberal when you believe in internationalism, but oppose free trade and the MAI.

3.         You know you are a liberal when you believe that Ronald Reagan was a mentally challenged old fool, and are glad that the cold war is over.

4.         You know you are a liberal when you use words like “mentally challenged” instead of “stupid”.

5.         You know you are a liberal when you think that feminism is a good thing, and Bill Clinton is your hero.

6.         You know you are a liberal when you use the words “uncaring” and “insensitive” a lot and not in a pejorative sense.

7.         You know you are a liberal when you don’t think school children should be expected to know the meaning of words like “pejorative.”

8.         You know you are a liberal when you think that being logical doesn’t matter because you didn’t take logic in school, being logical is elitist, and, besides, Aristotle is a dead white guy.

9.         You know you are a liberal when you believe in full employment so long as it doesn’t harm the environment.

10.        You know you are a liberal when you think that right wingers are evil, racist, sexist, wrongheaded dinosaurs, and they are so insensitive to your feelings.

11.        You know you are a liberal when you think that more gun control will get guns off the street, just like the laws against drugs have taken drugs off the street.

12.        You know you are a liberal when you think that other people should be taking public transit.

13.        You know you are a liberal when you think that marriage is old fashioned unless the couple is gay.

14.        You know you are a liberal when you blame the genocide in Rwanda on the western world and not on the Hutus.

15.        You know you are a liberal when you think that corporate profits are obscene and you invest your money in ethical mutual funds.

16.        You know you are a liberal when you think there is something sinister about a tax cut.

17.        You know you are a liberal when you think that Mike Harris’s policies are immoral, and you don’t believe in God.

18.        You know you are a liberal when you oppose nuclear power, coal-burning power, and hydro dam construction, and think that everybody should be driving electric cars.

19.        You know you are a liberal when you admire the bushmen of the Amazon jungle for their pristine life style, and would give them government assistance because they live below the poverty line.

20.        You know you are a liberal if you think that trickle down economics is an evil mockery of the poor, and would tax the rich so that there is nothing left to trickle down.

21.        You know you are a liberal when you get all the news you need from CBC Radio and the Toronto Star.

22.        You know you are a liberal when you measure the success of social and environmental laws by the number of bureaucrats on the payroll.

23.        You know you are a liberal when you are worried about nuclear winter, global warming and the coming ice age.

24.        You know you are a liberal when you expect your conservative opponent to listen you out and you constantly interrupt him.

25.  You know you are a liberal if you have the urge to contact the Spectator to demand that my writing privileges be curtailed.

             The upshot of this piece is that liberals are inconsistent, hypocritical, and don’t think things through, just like everybody else.  What distinguishes the liberal is the moral certainty with which he clings to his beliefs.  Those who disagree with the liberal must therefore not only be wrong, but immoral also. It is hard to come to a meeting of minds when moral condemnation clouds the discussion. As Winston Churchill once said, “Those who aren’t liberal at 20 don’t have a heart; those who aren’t conservative at 40 haven’t got a head.”   

-XXX-